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January 22, 2015

Some days are heavier than others.
Some days are inappropriately meaningful for the rest of your life.
Tomorrow, Thursday, January 22, 2015.
Weighs a million pounds
Weighs 3 million kilograms
Weights 20 million liters
Some days are so weightless.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, my 36th birthday
were light
and lovely
they are hot air balloons floating in my memory now
Lighting up my life like 4 beautiful weightless lanterns
of joy
of laughter
of easy street
good food, good family, good friends, good times
no worries
no doctor’s appointments
no stress
no future or past, just now.
Tomorrow, weighs infinitely heavy in it’s ability to alter my life
move my path
change my course
It is lead weights
It is dead weight
and cement blocks
filled with sand
tarred and feathered
drawn and quartered
Tomorrow, a palm reading tells me my future
Tomorrow, a doctor reads my labs
Tomorrow, I collapse into an ugly place, an awful place
I question tomorrows, I question time, I question answers, I pray and pray and pray and pray that this story is not yet written
Tomorrow, I face again the truth,
That time is a blessing
That time is a beautiful gift
That time is not infinite.
Or tomorrow I remove shackles from my ankles
I run into fields of daisies
Just me and the sunshine and my dog and my babies and my love
to laugh and bask and dream and be
Maybe I have a future that extends for years and years
Maybe I have one more life that may come to be through me
I have dreams
They aren’t that big really, but they are so wonderful
They are the best dreams anyone in this life ever dreams
I see my children start school
I see them bang up their knees on dirty summer bikes
I see their tears, I see me pick them up and kiss their owies
We get Neosporin and Bandaids
and we try again
I see them learning and becoming who they were made to be
I see teenagers growing from what once were babies
I see stronger bones in their face,
I see too big, crooked teeth
I see too much hair
I see weird colors and ugly piercings that I love just as much as I hate
I see eye rolling and awful music played too loudly
I see dances with undeserving boyfriends and girlfriends
I see closeness between them that keeps them grounded
Reminds them of who they really are and really aren’t.
She will always be smart and responsible
He will always be carefree and loving
I see dances with the ‘one’ and ‘that smile’ on her face
on his face
I see my sadness and happiness at their journeys in life and hoping they choose wisely
Hoping their path is not perfect, but not impossible
I see wedding days
I see grand children
I see my husband graying
I see my husband praying
beside me
I see me there
I see me healthy
I see life surrounding me
and weighing nothing as I revel in it
I see myself grey and wrinkled and happy
I see myself writing and reading to my grand children
I see myself tomorrow
Scared and breathless
hopeful and scared to be hopeful
fingers crossed, no double crosses
einie meenie minie moe
don’t step on a crack
no black cats should cross my path
superstitious because it is so far out of my control
All I can do is trust and let go
But, these dreams will be a red balloon released into the sky
A wish sent up to the Heavens
For light and happy days
These dreams take flight tomorrow.
These dreams lift the weight of tomorrow
and turn it into Helium
Turn tomorrow into a beautiful, hopeful balloon
These dreams make tomorrow


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