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Making up Our Minds

May 14, 2014

Waking up to your soft skin
your skinny hips
your tired smile
your deep voice
your sweet scent
your messy hair
your guarded heart
makes me think about morning’s past
and morning’s yet to come
and life around the bend
and what might be in store
and if I will want more
than what I have today
or if this is all I’m capable of.
Beginnings.
real life gets tedious and being happy in the midst of it eludes me
it’s stressful and exhausting and boring and against my nature
to be with people all the time
to be without paper and pen
to give in
to demands and others’ plans
and how good being alone feels
with no demands
no expectations
just a quiet kiss on the sometimes lonely nights
that really aren’t that lonely just boring
but that is passing
boredom is just not knowing what to do
and that is probably fitting right now
so all my poems are about you and him
yin and yang
a comparison of love
a comparison of decency
a reality check of what love is and isn’t
how it feels and doesn’t
i’m pretty sure neither of you have it
not what i want
not for who i am
but i love the freedom you offer
i love your honesty
i love your ability to look me in the eyes and tell me that you want to do something else tonight
that you’re busy
that you have a life
that you don’t seek to take mine
that you won’t blink when i tell you of wild nights
with others
that i don’t blink when you tell me of yours
that freedom is needed now
and i seek it
but this will not be enough much longer
i can see around the corner
and i can see me hurt if i count on you for real life
for more than fantasy
for more than friendship
so i might walk straight instead of round the bend with you
you might wake up one morning to find
i am busy
reading, writing, hanging with my dog, my friends, my Facebook. 🙂
or you might fall in love
and want this
and want me
that is the only way it would be
i think it could be nice if you did
but making that choice seems far beyond your years
far beyond the lessons you have tallied so far
you’ve never made that choice
looked for nothing and instead found love
and had to fight for it and go after it
and maybe you don’t believe me
but that is how it works
the boy has to choose
if you chose me, I would probably choose you back
but you won’t and I won’t wait
too long
just long enough to feel that my heart could give into you
and I’m there now
So tonight, there will be no more phone calls from me.
I will not beg or plead or ask.
you know what the options are
I don’t blame you if you don’t like them all
but this is sweet and soft and simple and in synch like nothing I’ve ever seen
just the push and pull and hold on and let go
we seem to know just what the other needs
without knowing we know it
because that’s what we need too
so take some time
figure it out
think about love and if you could feel it
want it, have to have it, could feel your knees turn to jelly at my touch
because I could. Don’t make up your mind too quickly. I don’t want you to be wrong.

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